Hopeless Holiday
by allycakes
Summary: Clare Edwards is back in town for the first time in four years. After running into her ex in the grocery store things start to get messy- and it isn't because of the snow. M for language.
1. Hello, Darlin'

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Hello Darlin' by Conway Twitty. **

**So, I was sitting there minding my own business when this idea popped into my head. My brain was all like: "Write, Ally. Write this right now." But I was all like: "STFU, brain. I have Biology homework I need to get done." Then my brain was like: "LOL, don't try to pretend you have your priorities straight." So I was like "SHUT UP, BRAIN! YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!" So, I did my homework. :D Haha, take that, Brain! So, anyways, here we are. Well, here goes. (Side Note: Each chapter will be named after a song I feel fits the chapter. Just 'cause it gives me Degrassi feels and I love music.)**

Hello Darlin'

Clare Edwards was back in town for the first time in over four years, four long, hard, grueling years, and what did her mother have her doing? Grocery shopping. She pushed the cart around irritably as she trailed behind her mother feeling like she was twelve years old again and her mother didn't quite trust her to be in the house alone yet. They had been traipsing around for what felt like hours and were not even halfway through the massive list for Christmas dinner. Clare's feet were beginning to hurt and all the noise was giving her a headache, but she was making her mother happy so she didn't complain.

"Clare, which is better the regular rolls or the frozen ones?" Helen asked with a pack of each in her hand as if literally weighing her options. Clare raised an eyebrow at her mom who looked at her innocently.

"Neither, mom. You always make homemade rolls. Which are absolutely delicious, by the way. So, put those back." Helen Edwards smiled broadly at her daughter and nodded in agreement. Clare smiled back and shook her head as her mother put the items back on the shelf.

That's when she heard it.

The sound she had been dreading since touching foot back in Toronto.

Eli Goldsworthy's voice.

Her entire being stiffened and her eyes widened as she looked up and saw him at the end of the aisle. She scurried desperately to her mother and crouched down behind her, doing her best to hide her tiny frame behind the shopping cart.

"Clare Diana Edwards, what has gotten into you?!"

"Mom, if you love me at all, please, please, please, for the love of God, hide me right now," Clare pleaded.

Her mother turned and as soon as she realized what was going on she narrowed her eyes and shook her head. "You're a grown woman, Clare. I'm not hiding you from your ex-boyfriend. If you want to talk to the man, talk. If you don't, don't talk. It's as simple as that. Now, stop acting like a child and straighten up. You're embarrassing me!" Helen hissed the last part.

Clare winced and looked around at all the curious eyes on her. Her mother took Clare's distraction to her advantage and whooshed away. Leaving Clare stranded in the middle of the aisle with no choice but to dive behind one of the frozen food containers to avoid being seen.

She held her breath and waited for him to pass by her, praying to everything holy that he wouldn't see her. She could feel her heart thrumming impatiently in her chest and she tried to convince herself it was from the physical exertion and not from seeing Eli again for the first time in so long. She had dreamed about this moment for so long and now that it was here she had no idea what to do. She swallowed hard before peeking around the corner and looking at him. He was just as handsome as she remembered if not more so. His dark hair was cut shorter than she'd ever seen it and his deep green eyes were sparkling merrily. He looked happy. She watched him as he browsed the aisle, taking his time with each item. Her legs were starting to burn from the effort of crouching, but she didn't mind. Seeing him again, seeing him happy, was worth it.

A tiny blonde made her way over to him and placed an arm on his shoulder with a wide smile and Clare's heart stopped. She let out a choked breath and leaned back around the corner, pressing her back against the cool glass of the freezer.

_What did you expect? That he would just wait around for you to come back? _Her mind taunted.

_No, I expected him to come after me. _

She hated admitting it, even to herself, but for four years she had waited. Waited for him to change his mind and come to her. Maybe show up on her doorstep unexpectedly one night. He never did, of course. It was a silly dream. He'd made his choices and so had she and those choices had torn them apart. There was nothing she could do about that now and stalking around in the freezer section to avoid being seen was definitely not going to change anything so she stood up and pushed her bangs out of her face. She'd pined long enough for Eli Goldsworthy and she was done with it.

"C-Clare?" a voice rang out from behind her. She nervously bit her lip. She squeezed her eyes shut and hoped she was wrong about who the voice belonged to before turning around and peeking out of one eye cautiously.

"Adam…um, hi?" she muttered awkwardly.

"Uh, no offense, Clare, but what the hell were you doing. You looked like a crazy person," Adam said with a grin and a raised eyebrow.

"Well, I guess we're skipping the small talk," she muttered and shook her head.

She hadn't been in contact with Adam for a long time and was glad to see he hadn't changed a bit, but she could feel her cheeks heating up nonetheless because she had a feeling he knew exactly what she was doing and who she was hiding from.

"I…Uh, dropped an earring," she excused lamely. She could feel the flush flood all over her face and chest so she dropped her gaze and pretended to search for the floor. She placed a hand over her left earlobe to keep up the charade, but she knew Adam could see right through it. "Darn, guess it's gone."

"Right," Adam laughed, "I've heard a lot of stories about earrings getting sucked into a tiny blackhole in this grocery store. Looks like it got your other one too," he teased.

Her face was practically on fire.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. You got me," she admitted and shrugged her shoulders, trying to play it off casually. "My mom dragged me out Christmas dinner shopping and I was trying to avoid her for a minute. You know how intense Helen Martin can be."

He nodded thoughtfully, "But not nearly as intense as the person you're really hiding from."

She opened her mouth to protest, but he just rolled his eyes and motioned for her to follow him. "Come on, Clare. You have to meet my wife."

"W-Wife?! Why wasn't I informed of this?"

Adam shrugged and turned to give her a pointed look, "A lot can happen in four years, Clare."

She hung her head guiltily and followed along behind him without another word. He was right, it wasn't fair for her to cut Adam out of her life just because Eli had chosen to cut her out of his, but sometimes it just got too hard. There were so many memories with the two of them she couldn't help but see them as a set. It was easier to just let go.

"Hey, babe. Clare?" a feminine voice asked, breaking Clare from her thoughts and forcing her to look up. Her heart started beating in her throat when her eyes trailed up to meet a pair of green ones tinged with confusion and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on. She shook her head and quickly tore her gaze from his, doing her best to keep her cool. Passing out in the middle of the neighborhood grocery on her first visit home in a long time didn't seem like the most appealing idea. She glanced to her right to find the petite blond from earlier.

"Becks, this is Clare. Clare, this is Becky, you remember each other," Adam said proudly and wrapped an arm around the girl's shoulder.

Oh.

She was with Adam. Not Eli. She couldn't help but feel a wave of relief wash over her at that revelation and she felt a genuine smile tug at her lips. The pretty young woman had a polite smile on her face as she nodded greetings at Clare. Clare bidded her eyes to stay glued firmly on Becky's face so they didn't have the mind to travel just slightly to the left. No matter how badly she wanted to let them.

"I thought you said I wouldn't be meeting your wife, Adam. I already know Becky," she said, feeling silly for not recognizing the girl immediately earlier.

"Ah, yes, but not as my wife," Adam pointed out, his grin growing even wider. Clare smiled back and rolled her eyes.

"How have you two been?"

"We're great," Becky beamed, rubbing her hands over her swollen stomach.

"I see that," Clare chuckled, feeling truly happy for her friends.

"Well, it was nice catching up with you, Clare, but we've gotta get some… uh, stuff. Swing by for dinner if you want. Eli, would you give Clare the address?" He asked, grinning wickedly before whisking his very pregnant wife away. Clare could hear Becky's quiet laugh over the bustle of the store and watched as she swatted Adam's shoulder as they walked away.

She swallowed hard and sucked in a deep breath before turning back to Eli.

_Be cool, Clare. Be mature._ She repeated to herself, but one look at him and she knew there was no way that was happening.

"So, the address," she said, letting out a nervous laugh before handing him her phone. He silently typed it into her notes and handed it back to her. His fingertips brushed over her hand and she could feel electric currents flying through her arm. She yanked her hand away and he winced, running a hand over the back of his neck.

"So," he said after a moment. "How have you been?"

"Eli, can we please just not do this?" she whispered.

"Clare—" she held up a hand to cut him off and shook her head.

"I'll see you at Adam's in a couple of days," she promised.

With that she left, trailing out to the parking lot, never risking a look back at the man who had broken her heart.

**Hope you liked the first chapter even though it's got major suckatuide going on. It'll get better. I already have it all planned out. :D Reviews would be lovely. Also, I need a beta reader if anyone's interested. :) Also, whoohaha. Just read over this chapter. Tons of mistakes. I fixed them all.. I think. If you see one let me know. :)**


	2. Is There No Truth in Beauty?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Is There No Truth in Beauty by Just Surrender**

**Well, here goes.**

Is There No Truth in Beauty?

"No, dude, she just left. I swear, she ran away like I had some kind of disease," Eli groaned and ran his hands over his face before plopping down on the Torres' couch.

"Harsh," Adam hissed and shook his head. He really didn't see why his two friends couldn't just try to get along with each other, if for nothing more than the sake of the holidays. He had watched Eli deal with the pain of losing Clare for a long time and he didn't know if he could see them both in so much pain at the same time. His compassionate nature would surely kick in and he would try to intervene which would quickly end in disaster. He promised himself he would try to stay out of it, but deep down he was already itching to come up with a scheme to get the two alone together again. Perhaps it was a childish notion, but he had been convinced since high school Eli and Clare belonged together and if he could take even a little credit for bringing them back to each other after all theses years he would be more than please with himself.

"Four years, four fucking years… I was doing better. I didn't think about her nearly as much. I was forgetting her," Eli whined with his hands still over his face, muffling his words. He let them slide down before raking them through his hair. Less than a minute alone with Clare Edwards and he was an absolute mess. He wondered if she was with someone, but he was sure she was so he quickly shut the thoughts out. The thought of Clare with someone else cause bile to rise up in the back of his throat and he knew Becky was fond of the pale blue rug in front of him.

Adam rolled his eyes while Eli wasn't looking. He knew better than that. No longer than two days ago he had caught Eli with a far away look in his eye and regret plastered all over his face. It didn't take a genius to figure out what he was thinking about when his eyes glassed over like that.

Eli squeezed his eyes shut tightly, willing all the images of the beautiful cinnamon haired girl from his mind. He knew it wouldn't work. He'd been trying so long now to forget her and he couldn't. He'd tried everything he could think of, from drunken one night stands to therapy, but she still lingered in the back of his mind no matter what he did. Thoughts of the night they ended try to push their way through, but he refused to let them. Any time he thought about that night he was left in a state of exhaustion trying to figure out how it had gotten so bad… how it had gotten to the point of losing the woman he loved more than anything. It wasn't worth it. No matter how many hours he spent inside his head trying to fix the unfixable he never found the answer and he knew he probably never would. He had accepted that a long time ago, but that didn't stop it from hurting.

"She still loves you, Eli," Adam said and would have chuckled at the incredulous look his friend gave him afterwards under any other circumstances.

"Adam, please, not with this again," Eli begged and his voice sounded so broken and hopeless Adam almost let it drop, but he couldn't. He'd never been too great at biting his tongue and when it came to his best friends' happiness he sure as hell wasn't going to hold back.

"You're an idiot, man," Adam sighed and paused. "You let her go once, Goldsworthy, now she's right in front of your face and you're still too scared to do anything about it. I thought after four years you would be able to man up and take a chance."

"I'm not scared," Eli argued, earning himself an eye roll from a less than impressed Adam.

"That's complete bullshit and you know it!" Adam nearly hollered. He took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes at his friend. If he was going to be a complete and utter moron, so be it, but he wouldn't listen to anymore of his denial. "Don't do this again. I can't…I can't watch you lose her for a third time." With that he left the room, leaving behind a confused Eli and a ton of tension.

Eli placed his elbows on his knees and cradled his head between his hands. He knew Adam was right; he just couldn't bring himself to admit it. All the progress he had convinced himself he had made over the past few years was gone. As soon as he looked into her big blue eyes everything he'd been telling himself disappeared.

_You don't love her anymore. Just snap out of it, Goldsworthy, _he told himself.

It didn't work.

It never worked.

He clenched his jaw shut tightly and let out a long breath through his nose before grabbing his keys and walking out the door without so much as a goodbye.

He practically ran to his car and jumped in, shoving the key in the ignition with much more force than necessary. He slammed the car into gear and pealed down the street. He was being foolish, childish even, and he knew it, but he didn't care. He had to get out of there and he had to do it now. He needed to see her, but he knew he wouldn't. He was too scared of looking into her eyes and not seeing the love he once saw there so long ago; he was too afraid of all the things he knew she had to say. There was only one place he could think of to go and he knew it was a bad idea even before it fully formed, but his mind was already set so he was going to do it anyway.

**I hope you guys liked it. Please review! If you liked it or not, I love hearing what you guys think. Sorry it's kind of short. The next few will be longer. **


	3. Princess of China

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Princess of China by Coldplay ft. Rhianna.**

**I know I said I would update yesterday, but some personal shit came up that you don't care about and I don't particularly feel like sharing. So, let's get to it. Are you ready to find out what happened between Eli and Clare? (Yeah, this isn't going to be incredibly long. Maybe 8-10 chapters) Hope you enjoy.**

_Princess of China_

The metal was cool to the touch, even through his thick jacket. He took a long drag from the cigarette between his fingers and held it. He rarely smoked, but sometimes his nerves were too much for his pills to handle and right now was one of those times. He stared out across the park and allowed the poisonous cloud to flow slowly from his lips while his eyes searched for the one person he wanted to see but knew he shouldn't.

He shook his head.

He was tired of thinking about her.

So tired.

It got him no where and it hurt. It hurt so much to know how badly things had ended with her. Thoughts of that night crept quietly into the edges of his mind, but this time he didn't fight it this time; instead he let them flow through him and rip him apart piece by piece because what was the point anymore?

**XXXXXXXX**

"Clare, I don't understand what the big deal is. It's just a piece of paper. We've been living together for almost two years now so why not just make it official?" He asked, but she refused to look at him, choosing instead to stare at the cup of coffee in front of her.

"If it's just a piece of paper why are you in such a hurry?" She whispered, her clear blue eyes blurred by tears as she finally glanced up. She'd quickly looked away again, but those few seconds were enough for Eli to know she wasn't backing down on this. He knew she was scared. After her parents she had never exactly seen marriage the same way, but they were different. They wouldn't fall out of love and he would never hurt her the way her father had hurt her mother. He knew she knew that deep down so he was confused as to why she refused his proposal of marriage over and over again. He'd never flat out asked her, but he had brought it up numerous times and he always got the same answer: 'I don't understand what the rush is. We have our whole lives.'

But they didn't.

He knew now that if he had known that then he would have appreciated her more when he had her because all he could think about was how much he wished he still did. He tried to shut off his brain to keep the rest of the memory from invading his mind. He'd changed his mind about letting the memory in, it was too painful, more painful now than he remembered, but he couldn't. It was too late.

"I just want you to be mine, Blue Eyes. Officially," he said a small smile forming on his lips, but it quickly faltered with her next words.

"I got offered a job, Eli. In L.A. The Los Angeles Times… I decided to take it," she muttered, staring intently at the table in front of her.

"L…L.A.? You didn't even talk to me first. We always make our decisions together," he whispered. He felt like he couldn't breathe. She was leaving. She was leaving New York and leaving him. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut.

"I—I know, but this wasn't _our _decision, Eli. It was mine. I knew if I told to you… I knew I wouldn't do it. I have to do this for me, please understand that."

"Clare, my life is here. _Our _life is here," he choked out, trying to think straight, but everything seemed to be swimming.

"I—I know that, Eli, but… where are you going?" He hadn't even realized he'd risen from the booth and was tugging on his coat.

"Need to…uh, think," he stammered, surprised by his ability to form a sentence. She didn't want to get married and he tried to push it. Now she was leaving. Tears formed in his eyes and he didn't bother holding them back. The cold air assaulted his cheeks, turning the tears sliding down his cheeks into something fierce and icy.

"Eli, wait, wait!" He could hear the hollow sound of Clare's quickened footsteps, but he didn't stop until a tiny, gloved hand grabbed his upper arm. He turned to her and tried his best to remember every detail. Her rounded, flushed cheeks. Her red-brown curls, made wild by the winter hat pulled carelessly onto her head. Her full lips, which somehow remained soft rather than chapped even in the cold weather. The deep purple scarf she had around her neck that covered the love bite he'd given her no more than a few hours ago.

"We have to talk about this," she said quietly, fear causing her eyes to shine and her breathing to come out in irregular burst.

"No, we don't," he answered, his voice colder than he had intended. "You've made your choice. There's nothing left to say."

"Eli," she breathed, her warm breath creating a small puff of smoke around her angelic face.

He left her there. She called for him over and over again, but he didn't turn around. He couldn't. She wanted to leave him. She wanted to leave him. She wanted to leave him.

She didn't come home that night. Or any night after that. He'd come home from work one day to find all of her things gone and a Dear John note.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

He could feel the tears streaming down his face from the memory, but he didn't care enough to wipe them away. His phone vibrated in his pocket, pulling him from his dismal daydreams.

He slid his finger across the screen and tapped the message

_K: I'm here._

**Uh oh, what kind of shenanigans has Eli gotten himself in to and who is K? Please review. I'm sorry it's short, but again… life gets in the way sometimes and I told you what happened between Eli and Clare... Have mercy and cut me a little slack? :) Sorry, guys. I promise the next ones will be longer. Next one should be up by at least Saturday.**


	4. You've Got a Friend In Me

**I'm sorry it's been forever since I updated. D: Life is busy, yo. Anyways. Here's chapter four. I don't own Degrassi or You've Got a Friend In Me by Randy Newman. Yes, I used a song from Toy Story. It's cute…don't judge me, haha.**

You've Got a Friend In Me

Clare woke up Christmas morning with her hair and stomach in knots. She dressed nervously, perfecting every piece of her outfit from the deep red dress that hugged her curves a little more tightly than she truly felt comfortable with to the earrings that Eli had given her for their anniversary five years ago. She looked as good as she possibly could and all day at her family functions people were telling her just that, but all she could manage in return was a tight-lipped smile and a nod of thanks. She was standing in the corner of Glenn's mother's house with a glass of wine, her third of the day, clasped tightly in her hand when Jake came over to her with a quizzical look on his face.

"What's with you?" He asked, leaning against the wall beside her and giving a nod-smile to his uncle Tom across the room. "I'd say you have about twenty seconds to start talking before Tom comes over here and steals me away." He joked. Clare shrugged and took a sip of her drink, doing her best to feign nonchalance, but Jake saw right through her charade. He raised an eyebrow at her and took the wine glass from her hand.

"Hey, I wasn't finished with that!" She protested, but Jake ignored her cries and grabbed her by the hand, pulling her behind him. She followed reluctantly, doing her best to ignore the amused and confused stares of their family members as he dragged her up the stairs and onto the small balcony outside the master bedroom. He closed the glass doors behind them as she tapped her foot in annoyance.

"Spill it, Curly Q." He demanded, giving her perfected curls a flick. She narrowed her eyes and him and smoothed a hand over her hair.

"Nearly thirty years old and still a child," she growled. He gave her a smug grin and leaned against the railing of the balcony, crossing his spindly arms across his chest and resting his long legs slightly out. She rolled her eyes as she realized he wasn't going to give up and joined him on the railing, resting her elbows on it and looking out across the small wooded area Mrs. Martin owned. It was beautiful and Clare allowed it to relax her before talking. "You cheated." She grumbled and he laughed, making her smile in spite of herself.

"This is where I come to clear my head when I'm here. It's kind of hard to be anything but happy when you can see all this laid out in front of you." She nodded with his words because he was right. It kind of made every problem seem a little insignificant.

"I saw Eli." She whispered after a moment. "Last week in the grocery with Adam and Becky." Jake gave a soft sound and his mouth formed an O-shape. He ran a hand through his short brown hair and let out a puff of air.

"Holy crap." He muttered. "You talked to him?" He looked worried which didn't help the twisting in Clare's stomach. She nodded and wished, not for the first time in her life, that she was a smoker so she would have something to calm her nerves. Jake made an apologetic face and winced. "I imagine that went just as well as it's going in my head."

"Worse." She grimaced and stood up straight.

"Yikes."

"I just… I don't know how to act around him. It's all just driving me absolutely crazy. I thought holidays were supposed to be relaxing." She pouted and Jake clapped his hand over her shoulder in a comforting manner.

"Not when you run into the only ex you were ever really serious with." He said and she sighed. She wanted to protest and say that she had been in other serious relationships, but she couldn't. When she moved to L.A. her love life had become practically non-existent. Between work and sleep she barely had time to eat much less go on a date or even find a decent enough guy to go on a date with. She knew part of the reason she worked herself so hard was because she was afraid no one else would live up to him. There had been a couple of guys who she'd gone to coffee or drinks with, but she would have to end things because their smile was never right, their laugh was always just a little off, and they never knew enough about her favorite authors to satisfy her. It didn't take her long to realize it was because she was still comparing every man she dated to Eli. She knew it wasn't healthy, but she wasn't sure avoiding relationships all together because no man could ever truly live up to what he meant to her was any better.

"I still love him, Jake." She whispered and he pulled her into a hug, his chin resting on the top of her head. He held her tightly as she cried. "What do I do? I screwed it all up. It's too late." She choked. Jake pulled back slightly and gently wiped away the wetness from her cheeks. He stared into her tear blurred eyes and shook his head.

"Clare, I have never in my life seen anything like you and Eli. What you to had… have…it doesn't die. I know I sound completely cheesy and like a total nerd right now, but its true." Clare smiled weakly and shook her head.

"You don't suck as a brother, you know?" She teased and pulled him into a tight hug. He laughed and she could feel it rumble throughout her body.

"Well, you do suck as a sister." He joked and jumped back out of her reach when she pulled away to smack at his shoulder.

"Jackass." She said with a scowl, but her face quickly broke into a smile. "Thanks, Jake."

"Anytime, ClareBear." He answered, an evil glint in his eye. Clare pursed her lips as she followed him back into the house.

"I told you not to call me that!"

**I know it's not EClare, but I still think this scene is cute, haha. Review? :D Next chapter will be at Adam & Becky's.**


	5. Hurricane Drunk

**Hey. I really hope that last chapter made you smile 'cause this one probably won't. I don't own Degrassi or Hurricane Drunk by Florence + the Machine.**

Hurricane Drunk

"Adam, are you sure this is a good idea?" Becky asked nervously as she watched him sit the ham on the table and smooth out the table cloth. Her long fingers ran uneasy circles on her stomach. Adam smiled and strode over to her, taking her hands into his and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"I think it's a great idea." He said confidently. Becky looked at him, unconvinced, and gave her head a slight shake.

"Okay, but when they tear the house apart remember they're _your _friends." She said seriously, causing Adam to tilt his head back and chuckle. He rolled his eyes before giving her a chaste kiss on the lips and placing his hand on the side of her face.

"I love you."

"I love you too." She muttered, allowing herself a small smile.

**xoxoxoxoxo**

Her hands shook as she pulled into the Torres' driveway and she gripped the steering wheel much tighter than necessary. She told herself she was nervous to be around Adam again since she didn't really feel like she deserved his friendship anymore. Of course, that was part of it, but deep down she knew better. She looked around for any car other than the one she was sure was parked in the garage and when she didn't see one she allowed herself to relax a little bit. At least she would have a little time to prepare herself before she actually had to see him. She got out of the car and pulled her skirt down as far as possible, which wasn't as far as she would have liked, and checked herself in the side mirror of her little car. She reapplied lipstick and ran her fingers under her eyes to catch any stray bits of mascara that may have fallen during the day. When she felt satisfied enough with her appearance she took a steadying breath and headed toward the front door.

She rang the bell before she could talk herself out of it and shifted from foot to foot anxiously while she waited for someone to answer. Finally, the door swung open and Adam stood in front of her with a wide smile.

"Clare, welcome to my humble abode." He said and moved aside, moving his an arm in a gesture of welcoming. She smiled back and stepped inside, relishing the warmth the house offered. She shivered slightly and Adam closed the door behind them. "Let me take your coat." Clare raised an eyebrow, but handed it to him.

"When did you get manners?" She joked and he rolled his eyes with a good natured grin.

"Becky beat 'em into me." He laughed.

"I heard that!" A feminine voice called from the kitchen and he laughed again.

"Well, it's true." He hollered back as Becky emerged into the living room. She smiled warmly at Clare and shook her head as Adam disappeared to hang up Clare's coat.

"Your house is lovely, Becky. I guess Adam's video game blog really does well." Clare complimented. She smiled proudly and nodded. Adam crossed the room and wrapped his arm around Becky's shoulders.

"Pretty sweet gig, I have to admit. Eli just text me. He's going to be a little late. Are you ladies ready to eat?" He asked.

"It's rude to start without all our guests, Adam." Becky said, smacking his shoulder lightly. He looked away from her and rolled his eyes and Clare had to suppress a giggle at the two.

"I'm starving." He sulked.

"You'll live." Becky laughed and swatted him again. He grinned and nodded in agreement.

"Guess I'll go play video games then." He said and Becky shook her head.

"No sir, no work on the holidays. You promised."

"Who said it was work?" He joked, but Becky's expression remained firm. "Twenty minutes?" He asked hopefully. Becky sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Fine." She smiled and shook her head again when he bolted out of the room. "Come on." She said and motioned for Clare to follow her to the couch and sit down. "He's ridiculous, but he's great practice for this one." She laughed, pointing at her stomach.

"How far along are you?" Clare questioned, genuinely curious when her still childish friend would be taking on the responsibility of becoming a father.

"I'm about seven months in." She answered, her entire face lighting up. "We're so excited. We already have the nursery all set up for the little guy." Clare felt her heart swell for the two of them. She was so happy Adam had found someone who could love him for who he really was.

"I'm really happy for you guys." Clare said honestly. Becky grinned and patted her on the knee.

"Thank you. You kn-" The door bell rang, cutting her off. "Ah, I guess that'll be Eli." She tried to get to her feet, but struggled a bit. "Dang it. Adam!" She called. "Those stupid headphones." She growled and stuck her tongue out to the side, trying again. Clare laughed and placed a hand on Becky's shoulder.

"I can get it. You rest." She said and nearly laughed again at how grateful Becky looked. She could feel the butterflies erupt in her stomach as she headed toward the door. When she put her hand on the handle she took a deep breath and licked her lips. "I can do this." She whispered. "It's just Eli."

She opened the door.

It wasn't just Eli.

"Hi, I'm Kat. I assume you're Clare."

**Sorry, I know it's sort of short. Review? (: **


	6. Radio

**Hello. (: Thank you all so much for all the reviews! Ah, you guys are awesome. (: Anyways. I don't own Degrassi or Radio by He Is We. This will be part Clare, part Eli's POV. Uhm. Here's chapter six. (:**

Radio

"Hi, I'm Kat. I assume you're Clare." A leggy redhead said with a raise of her perfectly plucked eyebrow. Clare felt her mouth fall open as she sucked in a sharp breath. She snapped it shut quickly and tried to ignore the aching feeling in her stomach as her eyes trailed over to meet Eli's. He stared back at her blankly as she heard Adam's footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Ye-Yeah, I'm Clare." Adam cleared his throat behind her and Clare shook her head, doing her best to clear it before moving aside and allowing Kat and Eli inside. Kat flipped her long hair over her shoulder and Clare couldn't help but notice the woman was without a coat, or much else for that matter, though the temperature outside certainly called for warmer dress. She did her best not to lay any judgments on the woman because she couldn't exactly be unbiased considering she had shown up with Eli. But, honestly, it was hard.

"Eli…" Adam said and Clare could hear harshness in his tone that wasn't there earlier. "Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second, please? I have a couple of things to ask you." She did her best to swallow the lump forming in her throat and ignore Eli's presence, but despite her best efforts their eyes caught each others as he stepped past her and followed Adam. She wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling cold from the ice in his gaze and the cool feeling in the pit of her stomach. She forced a smile at Kat and moved across the room to sit next to Becky, who's hard look towards Kat wasn't lost on Clare, but she chose to ignore it. If Becky didn't like Eli's date that was none of her business, but she had to admit, it made the tiniest, most selfish part of her happy. She almost felt guilty for feeling that way. Almost.

"I thought you had family engagements, Katherine." Becky said, coolly, taking a sip of the cup of tea in front of her and putting it back on the table with a bit more force than really necessary. Clare took a deep breath and held it, waiting for Kat's answer.

"Oh, you know my parents, flaky like always." She said and a full laugh tumbled from her brilliantly red lips.

"Oh, it must be a family trait." Becky muttered, tucking a bit of her blonde hair behind her ear and narrowing her eyes slightly.

"I'm uh, gonna go see what's taking Eli so long." Kat mumbled and hurried out of the room. Clare let out a breath she hadn't realized she was still holding and allowed her shoulders to slump.

"You hate her, huh?" Becky grimaced.

"N-No, that wouldn't be fair."

"You hate her."

"I hate her." Clare sighed.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

**Eli's POV**

He expected to feel some sort of satisfaction when he brought Kat along and saw how Clare reacted, but when her face fell like that when she opened the door all he felt was sick. He knew Adam and Becky were going to be pissed and rightfully so, but he wasn't expecting Adam to drag him out of the room to "talk" like that. He guessed he should have.

"What the hell were you thinking bringing her here?" Adam hissed in a whisper-yell, flailing his arms out to the sides. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. He honestly didn't know what he was thinking. The more he thought about the more he realized what a bad idea it was to start with, but when Adam accused him of still caring about Clare and even went as far as to say she still cared about him he just had to prove him wrong. As stupid and childish as it was he thought it would make him feel better. It didn't. He sighed and shook his head again, releasing his nose and shrugging his shoulders as he looked up at him apologetically.

"I don't know, I—I don't know." Adam pursed his lips together and leaned against the sink with his hands propping him up, staring at him expectantly. "I wanted to prove you wrong I guess." Eli admitted, hanging his head to avoid Adam's gaze.

"Well, excellent fucking job, moron." He growled. Eli snapped his head up and narrowed his eyes at him.

"Look, I'm sorry, but you can't honestly be pissed at me for bringing a date just because _she's _here." He said, not trusting his voice.

"Not just any date, Eli. Kat. Besides, look at you! You can't even say her name! If you want to keep telling yourself you're over her then by all means, go ahead, but don't you dare hurt her like that again. Did you see her face?" He asked. "I mea—"

"I get it, okay? I get it." He cut him off and sighed. "We'll go. I'll make up some kind of an excuse." Adam laughed humorlessly and shook his head.

"No way, Becks would kill me. Kat or not she invited you for dinner. You're staying." Eli started to protest when he noticed someone slip inside the door. His heart jumped into my throat until he realized it was just Kat. She smiled nervously and raised her eyebrows at them. Eli groaned and motioned for her to give them a second. She nodded slightly and disappeared through the door again.

"Hey." Adam muttered when they could hear Kat's heels clack away. "If you want to try to move on, fine. You're an idiot, but there's nothing I can do about that… Just not with her, dude." Eli rolled his eyes, but nodded anyway. He wanted to tell Adam he was wrong about Kat and about Clare, but he couldn't because he knew he was right.

**I'm sorry it's short, but I'm seriously uploading this right before I have to head off to work. Hope you like it! Review? (:**

**Oh, what do you guys think Kat did to make the Torres' hate her so much? Person who guesses the closest gets a sneak peek of the next chapter. :)**


	7. Just Like You

**I don't own Degrassi or Just Like You by Roxy Music, but it's a great song. Just like all the songs I'm using for this story. Give them a listen if you get the chance. (:**

**Ahhhh. Here's chapter seven. Wondering why everyone hates Kat so much? Hint… Eli isn't just home for the holidays.**

Just Like You

Adam suppressed a sigh as he took in the scene laid out for him from his place at the head of the table. All that could be heard was the clanking of utensils on plates and glasses being placed back on the table. Awkward glances were shared between every one at the table, but they only lasted a few seconds before someone broke their gaze and pretended glazed ham was the most interesting thing they've ever laid eyes on. The only two people in the room who simply refused to look at each other are Clare and Eli.

Clare was sitting silently with her eyes trained on her food, only looking in his direction every once in a while and every time she sent him a small smile that made him feel like he'd done something terrible inviting her here and maybe he had. If he'd known what Eli had planned he never would have invited Clare, or he would have at least warned her. Adam shoot Eli a look and when Eli noticed he quickly darted his eyes away with guilt written all over his face.

_Good._ Adam thought to himself. _He should feel guilty. Guilty and fucking stupid is what he is._

Subconsciously he balled his napkin in his fist under the table. He still can't figure out what Eli was thinking bringing Kat here. She destroyed his career and now she was working on his life. The worst part was that Eli was letting her, inviting her too even. Adam narrowed his eyes at Katherine across the table and she pretended not to notice, but he knows she did.

He'd never hidden his dislike for the woman and he never would. She was a snake and Adam had a sinking feeling she wasn't anywhere near done forcing her venom into Eli. He wished he could kick her out more than anything, but if she went so would Eli and Becky was a monster when he broke her rules of etiquette, so he sat quietly with a wrinkled napkin and a bleeding tongue.

Clare picked quietly at her plate, only occasionally daring to look around the table, but never braving a glance in Eli's direction. Her appetite was completely gone and it had very little to do with the vast amounts of food she shoveled into her mouth during lunch and a whole lot to do with the situation she'd found herself in. She wished for the hundredth time that night that she had politely declined Adam's invitation to dinner and spent the night with her irritating family. As far as she was concerned irritation was far superior to the nervous ache she'd had in the pit of her stomach all evening.

Her eyes wandered to the woman directly in front of her and she sucked in a sharp breath between her teeth. She seemed nice enough, but there was something about Kat that made Clare feel a little uncomfortable. She wanted to think she was more mature than to hate a woman for being with her ex, but she didn't really know if she was. She poked at her potatoes some more and wondered what Eli was thinking and if he really liked this Katherine person with her made-up face and short dress, but she knew that was dangerous territory so she back-peddled and stabbed at her food.

The Eli she knew wouldn't be interested in someone like Kat, but she didn't really know Eli anymore. People change. She definitely had. She could only assume that after four years Eli had too.

Eli dares a peek in Clare's direction and is thankful when she's paying more attention to the mound of green beans on her plate than the world around her.

Her hair is longer now, he hadn't expected that. For some reason when he imagined what Clare would look like she always looked exactly the same as that night in New York with a red tinged nose and hair billowing beneath her hat because of the unforgiving winter wind. He swallowed hard and breathed heavily through his nose to shake the memory away.

She was still beautiful, but she had changed.

People do that though. Change.

He'd changed and not necessarily for the better.

He wondered if Clare had changed on the inside too.

**Sorry this is short, but it's three A.M. and I'm about to fall asleep on my laptop. Hope you enjoy this! Review?**


	8. Forget It

**Two updates in 24 hours? I have finals next week so unfortunately I have to put FF on the backburner for a while. Yikes. Um, here's a chapter I'm sure a lot of you have been waiting for. I had a lot of trouble deciding the song for this chapter and it came down to Forget It by Breaking Benjamin and Always by Dope. Both amazing, both fit the chapter, but in the end I went with Forget It. I don't own Degrassi or Breaking Benjamin's Forget It and while I'm at it I don't own Always by Dope either. I wish I did. I'm rambling. Start reading, you silly goose! (:**

Forget It

Eli suddenly felt suffocated under the crushing silence that was the Torres Christmas dinner. He excused himself with a few mumbled words to Kat and slipped out the back door. He made his way over to the little bench in the small garden and pulled out a cigarette. As stupid as it sounded, even to him, they calmed him down a lot.

_Yeah, you'll be really calm when you get cancer, moron._ He could hear Adam's voice ringing through his head, but just like always he ignored it. He knew Adam meant well, but sometimes he could feel like an overbearing parent. Eli already had two of those; he definitely didn't need a third to add to the load.

He tried not to think of Clare, she was the source of his stress after all, but it was hard. Really hard. For four years he had let himself believe he was over her. For four years he had lived in blissful ignorance of the fact that he would never really be over Clare Edwards no matter how hard he tried to be. Deep down he knew she was the love of his life though he would never admit that out loud or even to himself. He gnawed absent-mindedly on the inside of his lip and wished he had the courage to at least say something to her. Eli Goldsworthy was anything but a coward, but Clare had a way about her that made him feel unsure about what he would be utterly confident about with anyone else. If it were any other girl in the world he would march in the house and demand to speak to her. But she wasn't any girl in the world she was Clare… his Clare… and therein lied the problem. Clare, admit it or not, was special. He felt pathetic for not being over her, but there really wasn't a damn thing he could do about it except pout (internally, of course) and accept it.

He was half way through with his cigarette and far too deep in thought when he heard the door swing open quietly. He turned around expecting Kat or Adam, even Becky. Hell, he would have been less surprised to see the entirety of Dead Hand standing there with instruments in hand, ready to perform a reunion concert just for him. It wasn't Dead Hand, but someone infinitely better and a million times worse.

"You shouldn't smoke, Eli… Those things will kill you, you know." She said quietly and took a seat beside him, sitting as far away from him as the tiny bench would allow. She still wouldn't meet his eyes. He knew she thought he didn't notice, but he did. God, he did. Every time she avoided his gaze he felt like he'd been punched unexpectedly in the stomach.

"You lost the right to be concerned for my health years ago, Ed—Clare." He stammered and stopped himself from using her last name and noticed her wince when he did. He looked away too keep from feeling guilty, but it didn't work.

"It doesn't have to be like this. We're adults." She bit back, keeping her eyes trained on the frosty ground. Eli was without a coat, but the chill in the air was nothing compared to the ice he felt growing around his heart every time she refused to even glance in his direction.

He laughed humorlessly and took another drag from his cigarette. What did she care if they were ever civil to each other again? She was the one who left, right? The one who didn't want to work things out. That was her. He had laid his heart out on the table and she had crushed it under a fucking plane tire on her way to L.A. He narrowed his eyes and stood up, towering over her in her seated position. He tossed his cigarette butt right at her feet just because he knew it would driver her crazy and leaned close to her. His fist clenched at his sides when her eyes looked at anything but him.

"Hate to break it to you, ClareBear, but it does." He whispered, using the nickname he knew she hated.

Finally, her blue eyes flicked up to meet his green ones, catching him off guard and causing him to stutter his breaths. She was closer than he realized. A lot closer. But, for some reason, neither of them moved away. The moisture clouds from both their breath and the cold air mingled in front of their faces and Eli could hear Clare's breathing sputter and falter. Her cheeks were tinged with pink from the cold and the wind blew harshly, causing her hair to billow out beneath her knit hat: just like he remembered. It was all too much and he was about to pull away when she spoke.

"No." She said, firmly which was surprising given the look on her face which was anything but.

They moved just centimeters closer and Eli could feel his heartbeat race wildly in his chest. Closer, closer, closer they moved until he could feel her breath on his lips and all he could see were the big blue eyes that he'd been dying to have look at him all night.

"Yes." He whispered, but he didn't mean it and he could tell she knew that he didn't.

"Stop it." She said, her voice barely a whisper and her eyes fluttering closed. Eli swallowed hard. He moved just that much closer.

"Okay." He said so quietly he barely heard himself.

"Okay."

Their lips brushed. Just barely. Not even enough to be considered a kiss, but enough that neither of the two could ignore it. Clare's eye flew open and met Eli's. He smirked because even though she couldn't see it she could feel it, and her eyes filled up with relief.

"Shit. Damn it. Sorry. Damn it… sorry." A voice said, followed by the slamming of a door and muffled curses.

Eli and Clare shot apart like they'd just been burned and maybe, in a way, they had been. They looked at each other with wide eyes and quickly turned away, embarrassed by the sudden turn of events. Neither of them said anything as they walked inside where they found Adam standing by the back door looking guilty and almost as embarrassed as they felt.

"Becks wants to open presents."

**Darn it, Adam! *Shakes fists* I gave you some long overdue EClare… I know; you still hate me. It's okay. Review? :D **


	9. Our July in the Rain

**I don't own Degrassi or Our July in the Rain by He is We. Guys..? Guys? Where'd you go? No, seriously… where are you? Here's chapter nine.**

Our July in the Rain

"So, you kissed him?"

Clare shook her head and cradled the phone on her shoulder as she dropped her bags on the bed and sat down beside them.

"No, Jess... I mean, I don't know. No, we definitely didn't kiss. He came with another girl. I would never-"

She was cut off by Jessica clicking her tongue on the other end of the line.

"Last time I checked the definition of kissing was two people's lips melding together." She teased and Clare couldn't help but smile.

"There was absolutely no melding." She argued.

She brought her hand up and gently touched her lips. They still tingled from the contrast of Eli's warm breath and the cold Canadian air. She shifted uncomfortably and jerked her hand away. Eli was with someone else. Melding or no melding what they had done was wrong.

So why didn't she regret it like she should?

"Whatever, let me know when you're not so in denial. I have to get these copies over to Godzilla before she destroys Tokyo in a blind rage." Jess quipped, using the not-so-affectionate nickname she used for their boss, Ms. Grant. Even Clare had to admit she could be a monster and she actually liked the woman. She admired her dedication to her job and the fact that she operated on a strict schedule. Two things that Jessica, as much as Clare loved her, would never appreciate.

"I'm not in denial!" Clare frowned.

Jessica made a very unladylike noise and hung up, but not before Clare could hear the beginning of her obnoxious rendition of 'Kissing in a Tree' starring Eli and herself.

She groaned and fell back on the bed. Jessica had been absolutely no help at all, but after three years of friendship Clare had expected as much. Jessica was much more of a talker than a listener and that had never really bothered Clare. At least not all that much.

She sighed and got up to begin ridding herself of her clothes, which wasn't a particularly daunting task on any other occasion, but with all the thoughts swimming around in her head she was proud she could even remember how to properly operate a zipper.

She wished she had the type of mother she could go to these things with, but Helen would just tell her she was being childish and what she had with Eli was in the past. "After four years of torturing yourself, don't you think it's time to let it go, Clare?" She could hear her mom's voice ringing in her ears and had to resist the urge to cover her ears to keep the imaginary noise out.

She groaned and slipped on some pajamas when there was a soft knock on the door. Before Clare could say anything the door opened and a head of shaggy brown hair poked through the door.

"Jake, you're twenty-six years old. Hasn't anyone taught you to knock before you go into someone's bedroom?" Clare sighed, throwing her hands out to the side.

"I did knock." Jake argued with a look of confusion on his handsome face.

"But you're supposed to wait until… you know what, never mind." She rolled her eyes. "What's up?"

Jake wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and strode over to Clare's bed, moving her things to the floor to sit down. She glared at him and he winked at her, reclining back and lacing his hands behind his head. Clare huffed, but ignored him, settling into her desk chair. She was surprised after so long her mother had made so few changes to her room. She took out a few of the more feminine things Clare left behind to make it more acceptable for guests, but for the most part her old room remained the same and she was thankful for the familiarity.

She looked at Jake pointedly as he shifted her pillows to make himself more comfortable.

"Really?" She grumbled, causing Jake to look up at her and frown.

"What?" His eyebrows furrowed and he frowned again, thinking. Clare scoffed. All that pot in high school had gone to his head.

"Why are you in here?" She tried slowly.

"Oh, yeah!" Jake said, his face lighting up with realization as why he had come to Clare's room in the first place dawned on him. "How'd it go with Eli?" He asked, moving his eyebrows in the same suggestive manner that made her want to smack him in the back of the head.

"It went fine…" She stated cautiously, not really wanting to divulge all the gory details to Jake.

"That's better than ungodly awkward." He said and nodded his head appreciatively. Clare shrugged and fiddled with her thumbs.

"Maybe, but it's not like it matters. I'm leaving in two days." She whispered quietly and avoided Jake's gaze.

"Doesn't matter." He said confidently.

"I think it does, Jake. California is why we ended last time. I chose L.A. over my relationship and I can't take that back." She said, finally looking up at him with a soft smile of regret playing on her lips.

"No, you didn't Clare, You chose yourself over New York and Eli didn't understand that. I saw what leaving him did to you. That wasn't what you wanted, but you did the right thing. There's nothing to feel bad about… If Eli is what you want then go for it." He urged. She shook her head and bit the inside of her cheeks, She wondered if she should tell Jake about Kat. She weighed her options and quickly decided if she never told him he wouldn't let it go, so she took a deep breath and pursed her lips.

"He came to Adam's with someone else."

Jake's features fell immediately and he sat up, looking at Clare with concern.

"Maybe he just brought her to make you jealous." He tried and Clare shook her head.

"I don't think so, besides, does it really matter?" She asked with a slight shrug of her shoulders.

"Guess not." Jake agreed reluctantly.

He stood up and placed a quick kiss to Clare's forehead. She closed her eyes and smiled up at him, appreciative of his brotherly affection.

"Don't stay up too late.:" He joked as he slipped out the door.

"Fat chance." She whispered as she watched him go and allowed the thoughts to overflow, taking up every spare inch of her brain.

**Clare's leaving so soon? :O **

**Review?  
I'll update after five reviews or two days.**

**Until then. (:**


	10. Rainy Monday

**Haha, holy crap. I didn't expect you guys to get up to five reviews so quickly. Sorry, I got distracted watching TVD and BATB… the Terminator reference in BATB wins so much. Especially when you know the woman who played Sarah Connor also played Catherine in the original BATB series. Anyway, enough about other fandoms & more about this one. (: I hope to finish this story before Christmas because, heh..it's a Holiday story. Own Degrassi I do not. Own Rainy Monday by Shiny Toy Guns I do not. Thanks so much for the reviews guys, really. Here's chapter ten. **

**(Which should answer a lot of the questions you guys have been asking.)**

Rainy Monday

Eli was in another world as he pulled into a parking spot in front of Kat's apartment building. He could feel her eyes shift to him every once in a while and her gaze was burning holes into his skin. He shuddered and reached out to turn the heater up though his body was cold there was a fire burning in his chest he hadn't felt in a long time and he wanted nothing more than to stomp it out. Kat let out a short breath beside him and he rolled his eyes in her direction.

"What?" He finally asked after a moment of silence had passed over the two of them. Katherine made a face at him and shook her head.

"Nothing, Eli." She spat out his name as if it were a curse word. To some people it was. She ripped her seat belt of and moved out of the car before he could protest. He groaned and leaned his head back against the seat before getting out and chasing after her.

"Damn it, Katherine." He growled and grabbed her upper arm to spin her around to face him. She glowered at him through long lashes and jerked her arm out of his grasp. He held his hands up in surrender and let them fall to his sides.

"What's your problem?" He asked, the irritation getting the better of him.

"_My _problem?" She huffed out a laughed and tossed her long, red hair over her shoulder. "What about your problem?" She asked with venom dripping from every syllable.

"I don't have a problem." He insisted, but had a sinking feeling that Kat had noticed more than she let on at the Torres' Christmas dinner. He laughed at himself. There was nothing to notice. There was nothing going on between him and Clare and there never would be again.

"Oh I think you do. She's about this tall with curly hair and big, innocent blue eyes." She mocked, putting on a baby voice when she described Clare's eyes. "Please, Eli. You think she's right for you? You would destroy her. From the looks of today you already have once or twice." She snarled. Eli could feel his hands form involuntary fists at his sides and he closed his eyes, taking a step away from Katherine.

"Shut up, Kat. You don't know what you're talking about."

She stepped right up to him, leaving a breath between their chests and whispered in his ear.

"I'm not stupid."

He smirked and placed his hands on her shoulders, pushing her back.

"Maybe not, but you are wrong."

Kat's eyes flashed with something he couldn't put his finger on before it was gone and pressed hard against his grip.

"Prove it then." She challenged.

So he kissed her.

He shifted his hands so that they were draped on her hips and slammed her roughly against the door of her apartment.

His lips pressed harder against hers and his hands developed a mind of their own as they traveled across the slopes and curves of her slender body.

She was soft in all the right places and firm in all the others and as much as he should have been enjoying himself he wasn't because he couldn't get Clare's face out of his head. When Kat ripped her lips away and started nibbling on his neck instead of relishing the contrast feeling of soft lips and harsh nips all he could bring himself to think was how much Clare loved it when he had done that to her.

He groaned and Kat took that as a sign to take things further, but when her hand inched slowly downward and brushed across him she pulled back with an 'I told you so' look plastered on her pretty features.

He rolled his lips into his mouth and moved away from her, leaning against the wall outside her apartment.

"No problem, huh? I would say…that…" She trailed off and motioned at his manhood. "Is a problem."

Eli reached up to massage his temples as she disappeared into the apartment and slammed the door behind her.

"Damn it, Adam." He muttered under his breath. If Adam had never put all these ideas and hopes in his head he wouldn't be having this… issue.

He slammed the door behind him as he got into the car and cranked the music up unnecessarily loud before crawling out of the parking lot.

He frowned to himself. He hated Adam for inviting Clare to his stupid dinner, and for insisting Kat wasn't right for him, and for not letting up on the idea he still loved Clare, but most of all he hated him for being right.

He really had no idea why he even maintained contact with Kat. She started out as just one of his many escapades and ended up being even less, but she had led him down a dark path he didn't want to remember the specifics of, but he did. After a brief, failed stint as a play director in New York he came crawling back to Toronto in hopes of finding work to build his name up before he tried his hand again at the monster that was New York theatre.

He was in one of his particularly low moods when he met Kat in a nightclub in a sketchy part of town. He shouldn't have even been drinking that night, but Kat kept shoving them at him and for some reason he had let her. They had ended up back at her place and the next morning Eli had little to no recollection of the previous night.

And so it went. Every night was a different club, but the routine remained much the same. They would drink until it was hard to stand and carry each other home.

It was easy to forget about the things around him. The fact that he was back home, the fact that his dream had failed, and the fact that Clare was gone.

"What if she comes home and I'm not there?" He had asked Kat one night in a drunken stupor.

"She's not coming home, Eli." She had promised before giving his cheek an affectionate pat and turning away from him to rush to the bathroom as quickly as her drunken body could carry her. Even though he knew for a fact he had never told her about Clare and hadn't mentioned her name in his question, she sounded so sure of herself in her response that he had looked after her in hurt confusion for half a second before accepting her answer.

That was the night everything was set into perspective for him and he had started to get his shit together again. Clare was never coming back to him and he had to accept that, like it or not. He'd cleaned himself up and in a matter of a few months had a job at a community theater and a cheap apartment to live in. It wasn't much, but it was his. The only thing he was missing was her and he just had to live with that and move on.

He was allowing himself to wallow in self-pity when Adam's voice of reason rang through his thoughts as it so often did.

_She may not have come back to you, but you never chased after her either, dude. She's here now. Isn't that enough?_

He straightened up slightly and turned took in his surroundings before taking a right and doubling back. He wondered if her mom and step-dad still lived in the same place.

"Come on, Clare, please be there." He whispered to himself.

***hides* Please don't kill me! He had to kiss Kat for the sake of the story! *ducks away from all the rotten tomatoes* I'M SORRY! *runs***

**Heh. Leaving you guys with a cliffhanger, sorry I'm not sorry. (;**

**I'll update tomorrow night hopefully. Not sure yet.**

**Review?**

**P.S. To the guest who commented saying the woman who played Catherine on the original BATB isn't the same woman who played Sarah Connor in the Terminator movies, hate to break it to you, but um... yeah she was. Her name is Linda Hamilton. Look her up on IMDb if you don't believe me. If they weren't trying to make a reference to the old school BATB they probably would have just used some other badass chick action hero's name. I'm not an idiot, bro. I wouldn't put something up I hadn't checked first. Thanks though. (:**


	11. I'm Still in Love with You

**I do not own Degrassi or I'm Still in Love with You by Al Green. Hey, guys! I'm back. (: I took my last final yesterday. Yippee. Thanks for the reviews last chapter. I appreciate it. :D Without further ado, here is chapter eleven. P.S. If you're into old school stuff go listen to the song. It makes me smile so much. (:**

I'm Still in Love with You

Eli drummed his fingers on the steering wheel with impatient nervousness. The past three stop lights had stopped him and he was starting to get slightly agitated with the time it was taking for such a short drive especially considering it could all be for naught. He was beginning to feel an unreachable itch somewhere in his conscience and his sanity was a harshly questioned in the last few minutes.

He had half the mind to turn the car around and head back to Adam's to tell him exactly how much of an ass he was for putting his ridiculous ideas into Eli's head, but he didn't. He grumbled under his breath and cursed between his teeth, but he knew he wanted Adam to be right more than he was willing to admit.

The only problem was he wasn't sure how he was going to handle it if Clare rejected him. He had built his hopes up far too high, though he had promised himself when he found out Clare was in town that he wouldn't.

He gripped the steering wheel in annoyance at himself.

He couldn't go through losing her again and he knew that.

Suddenly the overwhelming urge to run away from the situation took over him, but he fought it off because he knew that as much as he couldn't stand the thought of losing Clare for the third time he also knew he would never be able to forgive himself if he let her leave without taking that chance.

So, he shook his head and a look of determination took over his features as he began to weave in and out of the heavy holiday traffic. He could feel his stomach start to somersault the closer he got to the familiar street, but he ignored it.

He slowed down to a crawl as he tried to remember exactly what number was the Martin household. When he finally found the familiar building he kept going. He muttered a pep talk to himself before parking on the curb a couple of blocks away.

"Chill out, man. It's just Clare, the girl you've known a better part of your life." He laughed to himself at that. No matter how long he knew her she would never be 'just Clare.' She would never be 'just' anything to him.

He took a long, ragged breath and stepped out of the car. The cold wind hit him full on and he almost regretted parking so far away, but he needed the little time the short walk would provide to make sure that this was what he wanted. As sure as he was he loved Clare part of him was screaming at him the risk was too great. That tiny part was telling him to turn around and get back in the car, haul ass out of there and do his best to forget Clare Edwards ever existed, but he couldn't.

No matter how loud the tiny voice in his head hollered the snow still crunched beneath his boots as he made his way to the home he hoped her family still owned.

He made his way to the front porch and shifted on his feet nervously as he reached the door. He could feel that his palm was clammy as he lifted his hand to ring the doorbell. Just as he was about to press it he thought better of it and jerked his hand back.

"Come on, Goldsworthy. Here's your chance. Take it," He scolded himself.

He swallowed hard and tried again. This time his finger made contact with the tiny piece of plastic and pressed so gently he was surprised when he could hear the resonation of the sound inside the house. He licked his chapped lips and shoved his hands deep into the pocket of his heavy coat.

After what felt like an eternity he heard shuffling on the other side of the door and the click of a lock being undone. The door opened to a man in little more than his boxers and a bathrobe. His white tee shirt was stained with what looked like hot sauce and his house shoes were starting to wear through at the toes.

Eli grimaced when he recognized the man.

To say that time had not treated Randall Edwards kindly would be an understatement.

There were deep bags beneath his eyes and he looked much older than he rightfully should with his nearly gray hair and scruffy beard. He looked Eli over with a glazed expression that he was familiar with from his nights of heavy alcohol consumption.

"Can I help you?" Randall asked between hiccups and leaned against the doorframe for support. He narrowed his eyes at Eli as if trying to place him, but quickly shrugged and took a swig of the beer in his hand.

Eli opened and closed his mouth multiple times in an effort to form a coherent sentence, but failed each time. Finally, he regained his bearings and cleared his throat.

"I'm looking for Clare, sir," He said simply.

"Ah, you're that weird kid she drug around. Edwin, right?"

"Eli, sir," Eli corrected, biting his tongue to keep from letting out a smartass quip.

"Right, right. Eli," Randall nodded his head in approval at the memory of the younger man's name. He gave Eli a lazy grin and stepped back inside. He started to close the door when Eli braced his hand against it and stopped him.

"Clare, sir. Is she here?" He asked.

"Clare… ClareBear, I miss her," Randall stated with a quivering chin and tears forming in his eyes.

"I'll take that as a no then," Eli sighed and muttered under his breath. "Do you know where I could find her?" He needed to get to Clare before he lost his nerve.

"Nope," Randall answered, popping the 'p' and letting out what could only be described as a giggle.

"Okay, thanks," Eli said as he turned away and allowed the man to close the door. "For nothing," He finished as he stepped off the porch and made his way back to the car.

* * *

"Daddy who was that at the door?" Clare asked as she came down the stairs. She had been working on some last minute things for work. Even though she was on vacation there were odds and ends she had to clean up every now and then.

"No one," Randall answered, but Clare could hear the slight slur in his voice though she couldn't see him yet. She rounded the corner and eyed him on the couch with at least six bottles on the table in front of him. She gritted her teeth and balled her fists.

"How many have you had, Dad?" She asked, breezing past him into the kitchen to get a trash bag. She swatted his feet off the table as she began to place the bottles gently into the bag to avoid clanking them together.

"One or two," Randall said and snickered under his breath. "Five or six."

Clare rolled her eyes and grabbed him by the arm.

"Let's get you to bed," She muttered, doing her best to bite back the tears building in her eyes.

**Eesh.. sad. I'm sorry. I really dislike Randall, but I felt kind of guilty making him a lonely drunk. You'll see why he is the way he is a little later and also why he lied to Eli. Reviews make me happy. (:**


	12. Confessions of a Broken Heart

**I don't own Degrassi or "Confessions of a Broken Heart" by Lindsay Lohan. Also, this song gives me ALL the feels and not good ones. Right in the heart, guys. Right in the heart.**

Confessions of a Broken Heart

"I went to see her," Eli croaked out as soon as Adam picked up the phone.

"How did it go?" Adam asked and tried to hide the hopeful excitement in his voice as he paused the video game in front of him and sat the controller to the side to give Eli his full attention.

"It didn't," Eli sighed and Adam's brow crinkled in confusion and worry.

"'Scuse me?"

"Her dad opened the door. She wasn't there," Eli muttered and Adam could hear him shuffling inside his apartment and closing the door behind him. Adam groaned under his breath and shook his head.

"Shit. Are you okay?" Adam asked, concern peeking through in his tone though he tried to hide it. He knew Eli was in a better place now, but him being around alcohol of any kind filled Adam with a sort of parental fear. He felt like a mother hen, but he couldn't help but feel like Eli was his responsibility in some way. He knew Eli hated it when he hovered, but he had been with Eli through some of his lowest points and the idea of him hitting rock bottom again terrified him. He had lost his best friend far too many times and he would be dammed if he let it happen again.

"Yeah, bro, I'm fine. A grown man walking around in his boxers definitely isn't going to tempt me back to the bottle," Eli said with a breathy laugh though he knew nothing was funny about the situation. "I didn't know he had gotten so bad."

After Clare's high school graduation her father and step-mother began having marital issues. Eli had suspicions Randall was being unfaithful again, but he would never have admitted that to Clare. She was spending even less time with her father than she had in years past, only seeing him on holidays and having one phone call every other month, but even that came to a screeching halt when Randall stated he needed to 'focus on his family.' Eli would never forget the look on Clare's face when those words had sounded over the phone line.

Her face was completely void of emotion and anyone who knew her less would assume she was simply bored with the conversation, but Eli could see a hurt in her eyes that only showed when she spoke of her dad. She pulled the phone away from her face and stared at it for a moment. Eli could hear her dad say something about 'taking things the wrong way' or something to that effect then, in a very un-Clare-like move she threw her phone to the ground.

She didn't speak for a long time and neither did Eli, giving her time to collect her thoughts. When she finally spoke it was one of the most soul-wrenching sounds he had ever heard. Her voice was small and broken, but he could hear how terribly hard she was trying to make herself sound strong and assured.

"I'm done."

He didn't say anything.

She looked over to him with tears in her eyes, but the same blank expression on his face and he swore something inside of him died in that moment. He knew that no matter how much he wanted to there was nothing he could do for her because the only person who could make it better refused to.

He flipped his laptop closed and walked over to his small twin-sized bed and pulled her into his arms.

She didn't cry and they didn't sleep.

They just lay there the entire night, listening to each other's breathing while he played with her curls.

Eli shook his head violently to remove the memory, but the feeling of her soft hair remained on his fingertips.

"Do you think she's seen him?" Adam questioned, his worry shifting from one friend to another.

"Probably," Eli sighed and ran a hand through his hair, pacing the worn carpet of his apartment. "I need to see her before I lose my nerve." He muttered.

"I'll…Let me find out where she is." Adam mumbled and before Eli could respond the line went dead and he was left alone with his rambling thoughts.

* * *

"I feel sick," Randall whined as Clare helped him into the bed.

"As you should," Clare muttered.

She shook her head at her father. She was glad Helen was a decent enough woman to allow him to have the house after Clare moved away. There was really no reason for her and Glenn to remain there, especially since it housed so many bad memories for Helen and Randall had little else to speak of after he lost his job.

Clare rolled her eyes as Randall tried to remove his house shoes to no avail. She thought about helping him, but decided against it and left him to fend for himself.

As soon as she closed the door her phone began buzzing in her pocket and she answered it without looking at the screen.

"Hello?" She grumbled as she made her way down the stairs.

"Eli came to see you."

"Adam? What? No he did—" she cut herself off as she realized who was at the door earlier.

"Clare?"

"Where does he live?" She asked and scrambled around to find a piece of paper and a pen. When she finally found one she wrote down the address Adam rambled off and thanked him before hanging up.

She wondered why she was rushing out the door to see a man she hardly knew any more, but somewhere deep down she knew the answer.

She flung the front door open and was surprised when she saw the last person she expected standing on her door step with a hand raised in the air to ring the door bell.

"Kat?"

**Yikes. Review? To answer the question I know you're wondering. How does Kat know where Clare is? She's a creep.**


	13. I Dare You

**I don't own Degrassi or "I Dare You" by Shinedown. I know I told a couple of you I would be updating yesterday, but my internet provider is doing "maintenance" and my internet has been acting funky. It's still being weird. Anyway, I'm sorry. Here's chapter thirteen. **

I Dare You

"Kat? What are you doing here?" Clare asked, but was ignored as Katherine brushed past her and into the house. Clare clenched her teeth and slammed the door before she turned to Kat with crossed arms and narrowed eyes.

"I don't know who you think you are…" Kat trailed off and picked up a picture of Clare and Darcy from Clare's kindergarten graduation. "Cute," she drawled insincerely. Clare walked over and snatched the photo from her hands, placing it gently back in its previous position.

"Get to the point or get out," she spat and crossed her arms tighter than before to keep herself from doing something stupid.

"The point is, Clare, that Eli wants nothing to do with you. He's with me. Don't think I didn't see you two at the Torres' because I did."

Clare bit down on the tip of her tongue until she could feel it becoming numb.

"What gives you the right to—"

"To what, Clare? Watch you hit on my boyfriend?" She snarled and let out a short, non-humored laugh. "You're a tramp."

Clare felt her blood boil. She had been with one man in her entire twenty six years on the planet. She was far from a tramp and she knew that, but Kat's words got to her. She knew Eli was with Kat, but she had still almost kissed him. If Adam hadn't walked out when he did she didn't know what would have happened. She felt guilty, but also felt the urge to protect herself and lash out at Kat. Who did she think she was anyway?

"I know Eli and he would never be with someone like you." Clare shook her head as she eyed Kat up and down.

"Why? Because he was with a nun like you? You know, it's not a sin to show a little skin, Clare, and Eli may be the emotional type, but he's still a guy. You must not know him very well at all because he has been with me. Intimately. We've been together for three years and the sooner you accept that and crawl back to California the better."

Clare felt her stomach twist. She had no reason to trust Kat, but she also had no reason not to trust her.

"I'll believe that when I hear it from Eli himself. Until then, could you please leave?" Clare muttered.

Kat grinned smugly at her. She knew that, for the time being, she had won and that was enough to appease her for the moment. Clare didn't watch her leave, instead she rambled over to the couch and sat down, threading her fingers in her curls and pulling slightly in frustration. She knew she still loved Eli, at least the Eli she knew four years ago. He seemed to be the same Eli she'd know since she was fifteen, but then again, the Eli she knew wouldn't be hanging around with someone like Kat.

She groaned quietly in frustration and leaned back into the lumpy cushions of the couch her father hadn't bothered to replace though it was far past its prime. She pressed her fingertips to her temples in an effort to keep her pounding head from exploding. She didn't know what to make of everything that had happened in the past few days and she felt dizzy when she thought about it all.

Her phone began to buzz beside her and she thought seriously about not answering it when she saw the name that was flashing across the screen.

"Hello?" She sighed into the phone. "What? Oh my God, I'll be right there. Don't move. I'm on my way."

**Its short. I'm sorry. I'm leaving at six am to go home for the holidays. I'll do my very best to update tomorrow for you guys. If not then the next day hopefully. Thank you guys SO MUCH for sticking with this story this long, but it's going to be coming to a close shortly. I really hope you guys have enjoyed this story so far and will enjoy what little more is to come and I truly appreciate all your support. (:**

**Review?**


End file.
